March 2012

The weather was so good that the wind was blowing the hair off bald men. The surf was sensational. Only 78 people drowned in the first hour. But best of all President Armo brought the rashies back from their all expenses paid trip to Thailand. In fact it appears the rashies may have copied themselves in Bangkok. During heat one the judges managed to find four contestants wearing white rashies and three wearing green.

Competition director John Dicks aided by Athens surfing star George said this was no problem because the weather was so bad that no one could see the contestants anyway.


Missing in action was Hollywood master chef Dave Byron although his star kitchen bitch Chris Stonefield turned up after swimming. Chris is in training for the 2016 Olympics and I have to say he looks a lot fitter than Thorpey. Holding it all together was the Elle McPherson of Bondi, Jo, who kept everything and everyone on the straight and narrow.


OK getting down to the heats. Of course the waves were so frightening that no one would go out again for the finals….well either that or they wanted to go to Lush for coffee.

While Richard Townsend took the money in heat one it was Rodger Jamieson who starred with a record breaking six waves. Those secret work outs at City Gym are obviously helping Rodger. Russell, who wants to be a new member, came in fifth but hasn’t paid his membership yet so we will ignore his results till he does.

Heat two saw Glen, whose last name is a secret, on the podium with Frankie Lewis doing it for the girls in third and oldest club member Billy Norman in fifth.


George Haskas took out the money in Heat three with recent retiree Peter Chapman next, followed by surfing legend Claire Norman, then came non financial Scott with King Wally being duded by the judges, John Connolly was the only judge to give Wally scores for three great waves despite the fact that he was actually standing beside Mr T at the rail of knowledge.


Of course every great sporting event has a moment of great drama and tragedy and that was the story of Heat 4. Slamming Sam Tehan was an easy winner from Clemo who is both new and not financial. At the back of the field it was a titanic struggle between Chris (The Walrus) Stonefield and John (Mr T/SJ) Connolly. John naturally gave everyone a start by not getting into the water until ten minutes after start time, taking another ten minutes to paddle out to give the others more of a chance, then relying on one wave to nail it. Chris demonstrated his superior swimming skills by paddling around in the drop zone and pretending he couldn’t get out. In a repeat of the last contest the judges discriminated against both Chris and John.

In the final heat Wiggles was absolutely on fire demonstrating the benefits of skiing and drinking. Second place went to Tim who is new but not financial (see the pattern here) with Darren Corner and Kevin Hornhardt coming behind.


There were no finals so we have no idea who won but of course the real winner on Sunday was Lush.


Heat 1 :
1st    Richard Townsend
2nd    Paul Armstrong
3rd    Rodger Jamieson
4th    Russell
5th    Steve Joy

Heat 2 :
1st    Glen
2nd    Tim Pearson
3rd    Frankie Lewis
4th    Paul Altamura
5th    Bill Norman
6th    Chris Quirk

Heat 3 :
1st    George Haskas
2nd    Peter Chapman
3rd    Claire Norman
4th    Scott
5th    Wally Beneke

Heat 4 :
1st    Sam Tehan
2nd    Clemo
3rd    Chris Stonefield
4th    John Connolly (duded again by the judges)

Heat 5 :
1st    Grant Wignall
2nd    Tim M
3rd    Darren Corner
4th    Kevin Hornhardt

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